Of all the loo books I’ve relished over the years, my favourite – and this is set, even, against Schott’s Original Miscellany, Prince Philip’s 100 Quotes of Wit, Wisdom, Blunders and Blusterings, and The Chin Dictionary – is 101 Uses for a John Major.
The man’s poor, expressionless soul is put to use in all manner of things: as a support for a sapling, an ironing board, a companion for goldfish, a toast rack, a scratching post for cats, and a not-inconsiderably impressive plant pot stand.
It’s useful to look at this book, and to recall how the nation used to regard Sir John.
The passing of time, miraculously, forgets his motorway cone hotline, his ‘return to moral values’ idea and the media carnage that that provoked, and his landslide defeat in 1997 to Tony Blair’s New Labour.
Now, he is rendered as some sort of visionary guru, making occasional forays to our TV screens to deliver his statesmanlike verdict on something. That something, as far as I can tell, only ever being to savage Boris Johnson, and, with him now departed, I’ve not spotted Sir John making a seminal appearance to declaim on the Conservatives’ subsequent catastrophic decline in public support under Rishi Sunak.
But it just goes to show how reputations can be restored, how the past becomes a foreign country, how all is forgiven once time – or a spell in the Jungle or on Strictly – can turn you from hate figure to national treasure.
Thus: here are my top seven job ideas for soon-to-be-ex MPs.
Manager, recycling depot
You’ve made the mess, now sort out the rubbish. Divide the usable from the useless, but wear gloves as there’s a hell of a stench. And if you find it’s just too much of a mess to sort out, don’t worry, as the whole load just gets shipped off to China anyway.
Lollipop person
What better way to restore your battered reputation? Everyone loves a lollipop lady or chap; brave in the rain, sturdy in a storm, kindly to the kids, symbolic protector of our future. But trust you don’t muddle it and get a load run over.
African coup co-ordinator
There’s always room for a new ex-public-school schemer and plotter, with little military experience and bags of misplaced enthusiasm. But whether it’s Equatorial Guinea, Niger, Mali or DR Congo, pick a good team and swap your iPhone for a burner. And while failure is not a pretty option, you’ll soon star in the Netflix account of it.
Political podcast host
I’m joking, of course, and was just checking to see if your eyes lit up, and, if they did, it’s a true sign that even in defeat you are horribly deluded. No one wants a new political podcast, especially not one hosted by you.
₮Coffee capsule re-filler
Here’s a transformative role. It’s at the heart of sustainability, as Nespresso capsules are bigger polluters than fossil-fuelled power stations (please note: this is a joke, and factually inaccurate).
Coffee capsule refilling is cathartic, detailed hand-work, and it’s one hell of a public service. Indeed, I’ll hire you myself, as my full-time personal capsule filler.
Asian hornet counter
Dreadful things. They come over here, uninvited, crossing our borders, lord-knows-how. Then they sting us horribly. When they’re not scaring the life out of us, they’re killing our bees, without which our planet would run out of fruit and veg. Count them, catch them, kill them – and you’ll be a national treasure by Christmas.
Trump kidnapper
I don’t care how, and I don’t want to know. But this is a great reputation turn-around opportunity for you. Kidnap him. Keep him quiet and safe until he’s too old to stand again for president.
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