Dear Richard,
My girlfriend has a dog she adores. Unfortunately, it is very much a case of ‘three’s a crowd’. During the six months we have been together the dog and I have established an uneasy truce – most of the time. At the beginning he used to go postal whenever we did anything amorous together and have to be put in his crate, which tended to kill the mood. Now he’s stopped actually mauling me, he just whines and scratches the floor in a distracting way.
We are talking about moving in together but managing the dog issue is going to be difficult – we might not have a spare room for the dog’s crate as my girlfriend does now. We have looked into seeing a behaviourist but the advice seems to be that the dog will always think I’m attacking its favourite human and will never be happy about it. I know dog owners can and do lead normal healthy sex lives but I’m a bit downcast that we’ll always have this backdrop of canine disapproval to ours. It seems like a small thing to break up over but it’s making me feel a bit half-hearted about moving in together. Can you help?
— Paul, via telegraph.co.uk
Dear Paul,
Not really. Help, that is. I believe in being frank about defeat and I’m pretty much defeated on this one. It’s very much a case of an unstoppable force – your girlfriend’s unconditional love for her dog – meeting an immovable object – your own terminal weariness at having this creature constantly interfering in your love life. I’m not sure I could put up with it, either. If the soundtrack to your diversions under the duvet is always to be a scratching and whining – I think I’d be tempted to change the record, too.
The only advice I can offer is of the kind I rarely counsel: an ultimatum. Tell your girlfriend that if you do move in together, it’s got to be the dog, or you. I know dog-lovers reading this will likely be appalled at such a suggestion, but I really do think this comes down to a straight either-or. Why? Because your sex life together is going to come to a stuttering halt under these conditions. Anyone’s would. And that means your entire relationship will duly, and inevitably, founder, too. Those are the facts. You both need to face up to them. Otherwise all three of you will likely end up as basket cases.
You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.
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