Dear Richard,
I left my home town in the East Midlands for London nearly 10 years ago. My parents were always fond of a friend of mine who used to come round after school and they still have him over for meals sometimes. I have always thought it quite nice as he’s not doing much with his life, working in retail and going out a lot.
He and I have stayed in touch and meet up when I’m back in town. Last week, we went to the pub and he very cautiously told me that my parents had been quite critical about me to him: I never call or visit, I don’t care about them, I’m embarrassed by my upbringing – none of which is true.
They also asked him about my love life (which is non-existent) and even wondered if I might be gay. He said he politely stuck up for me and then changed the subject but I’m really unhappy. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, and my parents have never said anything to my face to suggest I have.
It’s also cast their relationship with my friend in a new light, making me feel as if he’s the person they wish I’d turned out to be, and getting into uni and on the path to a good career meant nothing to them, apart from me moving away and becoming ‘different’.
If I talk to them about it they will know my friend has talked to me, which shouldn’t surprise them and might even be part of the plan, but like I say they’ve been quite a reassuring presence in his life and I don’t want to mess that up. What do you think?
— Anon, London W5
Dear Anon,
Tricky one, this. I’ve given it considerable thought and here’s what I conclude.
1) I don’t think you should specifically reference this conversation with your parents. Treat it as a piece of useful intel you’ve received through a friendly back channel, and don’t betray your source or reveal your hand. (I often think that family politics is rather like playing a game of cards. Sometimes you need to keep the ones you’ve been dealt close to your chest.)
2) I do think you need to reflect on what your friend has told you. Fine, you don’t believe your parents have any cause for complaint – but the fact is, like it or not, they feel that they do. Their comments about your perceived lack of contact, their sense that you’re discomfited by your upbringing, even your sexual orientation, all speak to me of a breakdown in communication. Until this little chat in the pub, you thought everything was fine. Now you know that your parents have a very different outlook.
3) I don’t think comparing your friend’s relationship with your parents alongside your own is helpful. And you might be right – they could be using him as a ‘stalking horse’ to send you a message they don’t feel confident enough to deliver to your face.
Reflect on this, Anon. Try not to be resentful or judgmental. If your parents think there’s a problem in their relationship with you… well… there is! But I don’t believe it will be hard to fix. A little more regular contact; a little more openness; a little reassurance that even if you’ve left home, your roots still matter to you – all these should set their minds at rest. Your sexuality, naturally, is your business – but if your folks are speculating about it, it’s because there’s a big gap in what they know of your London life. Just treat it as routine relationship housekeeping. Every family needs it from time to time.
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