Some couples prefer to do it in private. Others only ever do it in public. Others still never do it at all.
So who’s to judge which is best? The entire world, if you happen to be a new G7 leader and their other half, surrounded by photographers. No sooner had our NATO-bound Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer appeared on the steps of the plane holding hands with his wife Lady Victoria – known as Vic – than the social media equivalent of the parish pump went into overdrive.
“Political preferences aside… does anybody else find it weird how in every single photo they are holding hands or kissing?!” wrote outraged Mumsnetter ApplesOrangesBananas. “I don’t remember any other PM doing so. I find it really strange, especially the last photo of them on the plane. To me it connotes holding the hand of a child and helping them down the stairs.. what do you guys think?”
Her fellow Mumsnetters variously suggested they thought this comment was indeed bananas and also nuts.
“God forbid a married couple actually show a small bit of affection towards each other,” snapped Sakura7. This was followed by a more measured response from Zonder: “I haven’t seen any photos of them kissing but some of them holding hands. Same with Sunak and his wife. I hold hands with my DH [Mumsnet code for Dear Husband] after 20 years of marriage. No, I don’t find it odd.”
Neither do I, as it happens. After more than three decades together my husband and I often hold hands – sometimes spontaneously and, if I’m honest, sometimes mischievously.
I insist on it when we leave the house so all our neighbours can see how irritatingly loved up we are, despite the shouting (me) and door-slamming (also me). They used to smile indulgently (through sometimes gritted teeth) until I let slip at a street barbecue so they’re wise to it – but hey, it feels nice anyway.
Hand-holding these days clearly elicits a surprising amount of opinion. My younger daughter for example thinks any couple over the age of 45 holding hands is “cute” because “it shows even old people can be happy”. She’s 15 so I think we can let her off.
But in showbiz circles holding hands has been rehabilitated as an old-school analogue way of conferring status on a committed relationship, pace Brad Pitt and his girlfriend Ines de Ramon going public at the Grand Prix in Silverstone earlier this month.
Just a decade ago, when going Facebook Official was a thing, all new unions would have been “announced” by sharing with followers online. Then came Insta Official where a picture speaks 1,000 words.
As he’s now 60 (yes, really) and she’s 34, however, being snapped casually holding hands comes across as both more age-appropriate and more authentic.
But it is in political circles that the optics really matter because every gesture – even one as natural as holding hands with a partner – will be pored over.
“Whenever you see a politician holding hands with their wife or husband you can rest assured they have been told to do it,” asserts Joan Harvey, chartered psychologist at Newcastle University and a member of the British Psychological Society. “It might be something they do already but the bottom line is that everyone entering political life is coached in all aspects of their public appearances. The only notable exception was Gordon Brown who famously refused to take any advice and look how that ended up.”
Harvey is under no illusions about the importance of looking the part in any profession: “Keir Starmer comes across as an honest, upstanding and trustworthy man. He’s staid, not flamboyant; there’s a possibility that he quite likes holding his wife’s hand although that’s not what you necessarily associate with a straight-laced lawyer, but that’s irrelevant. He needs to project an image of reliability in front of the cameras and it’s working.”
Between partners, hand-holding is regarded as a low-key form of affection. But bizarrely, hand-holding – in truth, hand-grabbing – was weaponised as a power-move by Donald Trump during his presidency.
The “Trumpshake” typically began with a jerky motion, after which he usually planted his feet and pulled his horrified counterpart towards him, their outstretched hand helplessly trapped in a death grip.
Victims included our then PM Theresa May, whose normal rictus verged on rigor mortis when he unceremoniously, and indeed unilaterally clamped his hand around hers.
Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe’s hand was seized even more forcefully, leaving him clinging on for an agonising 19 seconds, which were punctuated by a couple of assertive tugs. Photographs of Canadian premier Justin Trudeau queasily looking at Trump’s proffered hand – while keeping his own judiciously folded – went viral.
And who can forget the sight of president Macron, both shorter and slighter than Trump, being ignominiously hauled about behind him like a toddler? For that reason alone, a great many leaders will be hoping carpal-crushing Trump is not re-elected later this year.
Interestingly, Trump and his wife Melania, were not hand-holders on the world stage. On the contrary; YouTube is awash with films of her swatting and flicking his hand away, wriggling it from his attempted grip and using objects – a coat, her handbag – as a physical barrier.
As uncomfortable as it was comical to witness, her hostility and the absence of physical contact served to highlight the fact that modern voters expect to see some sort of physical rapport between politicians and their spouses.
But when it comes to our royals, less has always been more. The House of Windsor famously refrains from public displays of affection when on duty. At least that was the rule until self-confessed “hugger” Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, appeared on the scene in 2016 and married into The Firm two years later. Both touchy and feely, she kept Prince Harry conspicuously close at all times but it was after the pair left Britain for California in 2020 that the hand-holding escalated.
Whatever the occasion – launching the Invictus Games, at press conferences or UN speeches their fingers were interlocked tighter than an LA pre-nup. On occasion it has been genuinely hard to discern who is supporting whom as they conspicuously signal their inseparability.
The effect, very often, was gauche and needy rather than heart-warming or aspirational. According to PR guru and commentator Mark Borkwski, it has done them no favours.
“Meghan never understood the job of a royal spouse, which is very much a supporting role, instead she was clingy, up front and centre,” says Borkowski. “There’s no shame in being in the background because that can be a very powerful position – behind every successful man, or indeed successful woman, and all that. Dennis Thatcher made an immense contribution as a diplomat and one half of their double act.
“But two people literally clinging on to one another’s hands does not inspire – quite the reverse.”
As far as Lady Starmer is concerned, Borkowski predicts she is being groomed for first lady status.
“With Kate, Princess of Wales being off the scene, there’s a gap in public life and a real desire to have someone fill that,” he says. “Rishi’s wife shunned publicity but it looks very much as though Vic is going to have a far more important presence – and I think she will be brilliant.”
“When she and Keir held hands as they walked into Downing Street and as they touched down in the US capital, they were presenting themselves as a team, a united front. In terms of visual metaphor, that image is impossible to beat.”
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