Dr Ruth Westheimer had seen it all. She was a Holocaust survivor, a trained sniper, and America’s favourite sex therapist. For someone who famously measured just 4ft 7ins tall, Dr Ruth – as she was best known to her army of fans – had a huge impact on the way we talk about sex and relationships.
Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, US audiences tuned into Dr Ruth’s radio and television shows to hear her straight-talking, scientifically-sourced advice, all delivered in that signature German accent. Her first book, Dr Ruth’s Guide to Good Sex, in 1983, became the first of more than 40 she authored. On her mission to break the taboo of sexuality for the general public, no topic was off limits.
In a world that’s ever changing, where divorce is globally on the rise, we round up the most useful (and timeless) advice the psychosexual expert dished out in 1995’s Sex for Dummies. Try not to blush, and consider leaving the page open if you feel your partner could do with some prompts…
1. Don’t say ‘not tonight darling I have a headache’ – satisfy your partner even if you don’t fancy it
Dr Ruth happily acknowledged one of the most universal of dilemmas facing couples: everyone has a different sexual appetite, and one person always wants more sex than the other.
“What can you do about this? Help each other out, that’s what,” she advised. “Just because you aren’t in the mood for an orgasm doesn’t mean that you can’t help your partner reach sexual satisfaction. No law says that both of you have to have an orgasm every time.”
She insisted that “faking it” (and what woman hasn’t at some point) was not the answer. “You don’t need to – you can very simply, out of love for your partner, help him or her have an orgasm in whichever way suits you best. If you’re a woman, and you want to just lie back, that’s fine. If you’re a man, you can use your finger, or your tongue, or a vibrator.”
2. Sex is supposed to be fun – don’t fall into a rut
Be honest, who hasn’t been here? When we first start having sex with someone it’s naturally exciting. But as the therapist was quick to observe, that “newness” wears off and while some find familiarity comforting, for others it makes sex become another chore to tick off on the dreaded ‘to do’ list.
“And so, instead of wanting to have sex, they start avoiding it, which can spell not only the end of a couple’s sex life, but the end of their entire relationship,” insisted Dr Ruth. “Force yourself to try something new occasionally”.
She recommended a different sexual position, a different time of day, a place you’ve never done it before, or “doing it fast when you usually take your time, or making a point of prolonging the act as long as you can possibly stand it.”
We know this is what we should be doing, but how about making the effort to actually put this into practice?
“Perhaps you’ll find some new ways of having sex that will make sex better than ever.”
3. Get over the idea that great sex is spontaneous (it’s often the opposite)
Life in the modern age is frantic – in between the demands of work, kids or grandkids, cooking and fundamentally “keeping our s--t together” – bedroom antics frequently take a back seat. Set the mood as far ahead in advance as possible, said Dr Ruth, as “rarely do two people hit their peak sexual mood at just the same time without some planning”.
There’s a practical, medically-proven reason for this and she doesn’t mince her words in advising men folk: “Women require longer to get aroused. So the sooner you set the mood for lovemaking, the more aroused she can become and the better the sex will be.”
She suggests men lavish the women with romance and attention the moment they walk through the door – not just before bed. “Spend time caressing and massaging the rest of her body before reaching for her clitoris.” She always points out that men falling asleep straight afterwards (or sloping back to their own home) is just bad manners.
For women she suggests not being “coy” about it and announcing you’re up for it (as soon as you are) to ensure he can give you the “best foreplay” without fear of rejection.
4. ‘Potholes’ along the sex journey are normal so fixing them won’t cost the earth
We’re all guilty of reaching a certain age and believing we’ve “mastered” sex. But as the expert reminded us: “Everybody needs to practise and work at being the best lover they can become – even you.” Of course there are ‘potholes’ along the way, the secret, said Dr Ruth, was not ignoring them as in most cases, such as erectile dysfunction, help is available.
“We sex therapists have heard it all – sex is what we talk about all day long, and we won’t think you’re strange because you have a sexual problem,” she reassured. The solution to some problems, she suggested, can be worked out from books. But if not, book a specialist. “Don’t dilly dally. And if you’re worried that going to a sex therapist will bleed you dry, the techniques we use are short-term. Even only one or two sessions can work wonders.”
5. Kissing, touching and washing each other
Experiments with monkeys prove that animals (and that includes us humans) have a basic need for touch and part of that needs to happen during sex. But don’t just focus on the naughty bits. “You should pay attention to every square inch of your lover. Touch her hair, stroke his back, caress her legs, rub his feet. You can both enjoy the tactile sensations,” says Dr Ruth.
And this touching should happen throughout the day, she suggested, without any thought of having sex. “You have to hug each other. Hold each other’s hands. Wash each other. All of that touching will bring you closer, so when the time comes to actually engage in sex, the experience will be heightened for both of you.” She always warns not to forget kissing. It doesn’t have to be French kissing with tongues, as she calls it a “gentle art”, and observed that many of us have a “pleasure zone” centred on oral activity.
6. Ageing is inevitable – so ask your wife to fondle your penis
When we put on weight we buy new trousers, when we start squinting while reading we buy glasses. So why don’t we more practically adjust to our changing bodies when it comes to sex, Dr Ruth asked.
“Telling yourself ‘If I can’t have sex the way I used to, I won’t have it at all’ is just as ridiculous as wearing your pants around your knees,” she scoffed, insisting that “you can continue to have great sex up into your 90s, providing you make some changes”.
Ageing men lose their ability to have erections just by thinking sexy thoughts, instead they need physical stimulation, she said. “But is asking your wife to fondle your penis really that bad? Instead of being ashamed, let yourself get carried away by it, learn to enjoy it, and work it into being a pleasant part of foreplay.”
For postmenopausal women, she shrugged, buy some lube. “Instead of letting those changes negatively impact your sex life, find out how to adapt to them and make sure that you continue to enjoy great sex your whole life through.”
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