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Louise Thomas
Editor
Few subjects can provoke such a range of emotions as money, so it’s not unusual for it to be a bone of contention for couples.
Merging finances, budgeting as a team and attitudes about how you spend and save money can bring up disagreements, but what if you find that every time you talk about money with your partner it ends in a row?
“Money discussions in relationships frequently become emotionally heightened because our finances have a deep impact on our emotions and wellbeing,” says BACP-accredited relationship and family therapist, Deborah Hill.
“For many, a steady adequate income is reassuring, it equals stability and security. Winning the lottery is a dream for others. Just imagine the happiness you would feel winning millions or being left an inheritance of thousands of pounds. Money affects us. The more money we have, the more control we have over what we can do in life. Money can change us.”
When is too early to bring up money?
Generally, a couple decide to live together, once there is an understanding of each other’s behaviours, values and families, Hill says. “Discussing finance at this time would be essential, so that a couple know who will be paying for what.“However, opening conversations about money early on in relationships can only be helpful. If we are going to share our lives with someone, we need to be able to trust them and be open with them.
“Making plans together is part of a relationship and plans inevitably involve expenditure. Working out that expenditure together can help a couple to feel that they are working as a team. A couple are likely to discuss whether or not they want to create a family. However, they are less likely to discuss how to plan for this financially.”
What are the best ways to communicate about finances?
“As our parents tend to influence how we think about money, we might begin conversations by referring to how our parents managed their budgeting,” says Hill.
“There may have been frequently expressed sentiments such as, ‘You’ve got to save for later life’ or, in contrast, ‘You’ve got to spend it while you’ve got it’. You could ask your partner what the message about money was in their family and, do they think that they have inherited it.”
If you are starting to feel uncomfortable that your partner is spending too much, use sentences that open from your feelings, she suggests. For example, ‘I feel that we are spending too much’ rather than, ‘You’re spending way too much’.
“Accusations will lead to defence, which frequently leads into heated arguments. It is also important to show your partner that you recognise and validate what they are saying. You might not agree with them, but you can say that you understand their point of view.”
Having different life experiences – like if you’re paying off debt, or you have existing finance deals with an ex – will shape how we feel about money, and might talk about it.
“Many people think that their money is their business alone and what they do with it is up to them. Yes, everyone is entitled to financial independence,” notes Hill. “However, when we decide to share our lives with others we are also committing to some sharing of our financial lives.”
What if our financial values don’t align?
“It is always the differences between people that create disagreements,” says Hill. “A tidy person cannot understand how an untidy person can live in such a mess. In my experience, couples who can never agree about how money should be spent, experience stress and frequently hold deep resentments.
“There is usually relief in opening up the finance conversation. Couples welcome a supportive space in which to talk things through and create wider understanding about where thoughts and feelings about money have come from.
“If you can decide to be more on the same page, there are benefits. You will feel closer and more trusting in your relationship.”
What are the red flags when it comes to money in relationships?
You might not always agree with a partner when it comes to finances but it’s important to be able to recognise when money is wielded for power or control within a relationship.
Financial abuse involves controlling a victim’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources. An abuser might attempt to control how someone uses money, or limit what you have access to.
Hill says it could be: “Telling you that you don’t need to work and can give up your job. You might assume that you will have a joint bank account, but the bank account remains in your partner’s name, leaving you with no access to money and thereby increasingly isolated.”
It may also be lying about their financial situation, and taking money from you. For example, asking you to take out loans on their behalf, setting up direct debits from your account without discussion or permission, or telling you they need money for something particular and spending it elsewhere, Hill says.
“Emotional and psychological abuse often exist alongside financial abuse. However, not always.”
Get help for financial abuse on the gov.uk website. To find a trained a registered counsellor to help you work through it, visit bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists.
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