"Dear Newsweek,
I am reaching out to seek advice on a complex and deeply personal issue that has been weighing on me for years.
I got married at the age of 20, my wife was 22. My wife is best friends with her ex-boyfriend, who has since come out as gay. Five years into our marriage, she admitted to me that she was still in love with him. Their relationship never truly ended; it merely transitioned as he came out of the closet during their late teenage years.
For a significant period, my wife wasn't in love with me. Although she now claims that she is, I remain uncertain. She maintains constant communication with him, talking and texting at least two to three times daily, every day, all year round.
Regardless of where we go or what we are doing, she feels compelled to update him, creating an impression that they share a combined life. Despite living in different states—he in Nevada and we in California—their communication never ceases, and I struggle to understand this perpetual need for an open line of communication.
When we go places together, they used to hold hands, making me feel like a third wheel. While I have fought hard to curtail these behaviors, the fact that I had to fight at all is disheartening. We have now been married for 17 years and have two children. Some aspects of our relationship have improved, but something still feels amiss. I know she loves me, but I don't feel desired or wanted.
We travel often, and while things aren't terrible, the presence of her ex-boyfriend in our lives is something I can no longer tolerate. To remove him from our lives, I fear I would also need to say goodbye to her, which I desperately do not want. This would break up our family, a prospect I find unbearable.
His constant presence feels like it takes her away from us and our ability to have a more loving relationship, even my children have noticed and commented that he seems more important to her than anyone else.
Additionally, she has often gaslighted me, calling me crazy and jealous whenever I express my discomfort. She frequently takes his side, making me feel isolated and unheard. Both she and her ex exhibit certain narcissistic tendencies, and whenever I bring up his name, I am met with anger and told to get over it. I am forced to accept him as part of our lives because she insists he is her family, given her troubled family background. She argues that he is the most stable person from her past, which further complicates the situation.
The relationship caused me to become co-dependent on her, leading me to seek therapy. I have been in therapy for three years, and I have made significant improvements. We have also been seeing a couples therapist for a year, but it seems she has made all the improvements she is willing to make. I feel stuck and unsure of how to move forward.
I can't fully summarize the depth of my feelings and the numerous events that have transpired over the years, but these general sentiments encapsulate my struggle. I am at a crossroads and need guidance on how to proceed. How do I navigate this situation without breaking up my family?"
Daniel, California
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
'Work With a Therapist To Set Boundaries'
Brittany Cilento Kopycienski is a licensed counselor and practice owner based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She is a certified clinical trauma professional and an approved clinical supervisor. Her specialism is in treating depression, anxiety, trauma and life transitions. While she is based in Pennsylvania, she also practices in New Jersey.
First, I want to commend you for your vulnerability and for sharing what you're going through. As a mental health professional, I was very glad to see you report that you are engaging in couples counseling. It seems to me there is a communication and emotional intimacy breakdown and couples counseling is an integral part of healing these breakdowns.
Regarding moving forward, I would encourage you to be as transparent as you were with us, in your couples counseling. Think honestly about your feelings regarding potentially posing the ultimatum for her to end her relationship with her 'friend' and your feeling that she has made all the progress she can make are integral intimate feelings that can make for meaningful discussion.
When I hear clients use ultimatums, as a professional my thoughts usually go to "this individual is feeling so powerless" and that is what I am hearing you feel in this relationship. Based on the information provided, it sounds reasonable that you two, with the assistance from the couples therapist come up with an agreed-upon set of boundaries, not just for the relationship in general, but regarding her 'friend'.
Despite the [fact that the] individual may not possess any attraction to her at this point, her attraction and emotional connection to him is what matters in your relationship. In addition to coming together and setting agreed-upon boundaries for one another, I would suggest you do some self-exploration on your own or obtain your own therapist for support in identifying your own boundaries.
It is okay to have your own boundaries in a relationship, the key is communicating them and being consistent. Considering you have a noteworthy history with this person, any new boundaries identified will definitely test the relationship. But in my experience, individuals who want to be in our lives and love us are able to respect and find a way to work with our boundaries.
I wish you the best of luck with this situation. I hear you love her very much, but this situation is rightfully so creating tension that you are seeking a resolution for.
'Focus on Open and Compassionate Communication'
Rachel Marmor is a licensed mental health counselor and the chief wellness officer at the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) Foundation. Marmor, who is based in South Florida, has a decade of experience in supporting clients through anxiety, family conflicts, and depression.
Thank you for reaching out with this complex and deeply personal relationship dilemma. This situation touches on many layers of emotional entanglement and unmet needs that are often present in long-term relationships.
It's clear that the husband is feeling a deep sense of disconnection and frustration due to his wife's relationship with her ex-boyfriend. This situation has understandably led to feelings of insecurity, resentment, and confusion about his place in her life. The emotional turmoil he's experiencing is profound, especially given the length of their marriage and the presence of their children.
One of the tools that could be especially helpful for the husband is the PAIRS Talking Tips, which I often recommend for fostering open and compassionate communication. This tool provides a structured way to express feelings and needs without blame, and it can help both partners feel heard and understood. Here's how the husband might use this tool in a conversation with his wife:
Husband: "I notice that you communicate with [ex-boyfriend] multiple times a day, every day, no matter what we are doing. I assume this means that your relationship with him is still very important to you, perhaps even more important than our relationship at times. I think this dynamic makes me feel like a third wheel, and it feels like there's a part of you that isn't fully present with me. I am hurt by the times when you hold his hand or prioritize his needs over mine. I am frustrated because I've had to fight to establish boundaries that protect our marriage, and it feels like my feelings are not valued.
"I worry about how this is affecting our relationship and our family, and what this reminds me of from the past is the times I've felt neglected or less important in your life. I want to find a way to balance your connection with him while also making sure our marriage is the priority it needs to be. I appreciate you for the efforts you have made to improve our relationship, and I realize that this is a complicated situation with no easy answers. I hope that we can work together to create boundaries that make both of us feel secure and valued in our marriage."
This approach allows the husband to express his feelings in a way that is structured and non-confrontational. It opens the door for his wife to understand his emotional experience without feeling attacked, which can help create a more productive dialogue.
The key here is that the husband's communication is focused on his own feelings and needs, rather than accusing his wife of wrongdoing. This can help to reduce defensiveness and encourage a more open and empathetic response from her.
For the wife, it might be beneficial to explore why her relationship with her ex-boyfriend feels so vital to her emotional well-being. By understanding the underlying needs driving her behavior, she may be able to find ways to meet those needs within the marriage, or at least to renegotiate the boundaries of that relationship in a way that honors her husband's feelings.
The husband's ongoing therapy is crucial as he navigates these challenging emotions, helping him maintain clarity and self-respect. It's commendable that he has already made significant progress, and continued work on his co-dependency and self-worth will be important, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.
It's essential for both partners to be willing to learn and grow together. By using tools like PAIRS Talking Tips, they can begin to build a new foundation of trust, respect, and mutual understanding. If they can approach this situation with a spirit of openness and a willingness to change learned behaviors that no longer serve them, there is hope for creating a relationship that feels more balanced, loving, and secure.
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