Dear Richard,
My widowed mum lives nearby. She is nearly 80, sound in body and mind, a loving, funny, incredible woman. But she smokes. I grew up with the smell and smoked myself until I had children 15 years ago; for my two girls, however, it’s an unfamiliar and unpleasant smell and her flat, clothes and hair are laced with it. They don’t like hugging her; they won’t go and visit, and they make comments (to me) when she comes to us.
I know it’s a terrible thing health wise, but I wish they’d set their squeamish feelings aside and just be there for their grandmother, who won’t be here for ever. How can I persuade them? Or should I be doing more to get Mum to quit?
— Trish, via telegraph.co.uk
Dear Trish,
Of course you shouldn’t try to get your 80-year-old mum to quit smoking! What an exercise in futility that would be! So forget it. Focus on the achievable.
Which is? Talking to your two girls. Fine, they hate the smell of stale cigarette smoke (which, even as an ex-smoker myself, I do too). But you should see this as an opportunity to educate them in basic tolerance. Obviously your mother shouldn’t light up in their presence, and I’m sure she doesn’t.
So her granddaughters should accept the generational gap for what it is. She’s a product of the past. They’re a product of the present. ‘Never the twain shall meet’? Of course they should – and can!
You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.
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