You may have spotted the 18 demands given by The Muslim Vote to Sir Keir Starmer this week. Perhaps you heard a bunch coming from Issy of Leeds University. The grassroots Muslim campaign’s mandates for the Labour leader are unequivocal: grant them or you won’t get our votes at a general election. They include: “Apologise for comments that gave the green light to genocide in Gaza” and “ensure insurance quotes do not cost more for someone called Muhammad”. Meanwhile, Issy was listing her ultimatums on the Today programme: “We demand the university acknowledges the genocide happening in Palestine … cuts ties with arms companies that [make] parts that Israel uses to bomb Gaza … that there are no war criminals on campus … that [the university] stand with the student movement for Palestine.”
Issy, or Countess Binface as I call her (the failed London mayoral candidate Count Binface’s demand for a cap on croissant prices being a rather more realistic petition), joins a proud history of Brits making fruitless demands. And it’s time I got in on the act. So here are my calls, from the sublime to the ridiculous. The Government must act, or I’ll stay camped out on my front lawn (until it starts raining and there’s some snooker on the telly).
Transport
I require GWR to switch seat reservation signs on before they unlock doors so I don’t get turfed out from a window and table seat that I’ve smugly settled into on a packed train to the south-west. I demand they get rid of their LED lights and install dimmers (especially during winter when I’m boarding a train after a good lunch). I demand a special freight line for trains so fast ones don’t get stuck behind non-passenger rolling stock. I call on train guards to hand out cash repayments to customers on delayed trains, thus avoiding the unrelenting misery of Delay Repay. We also need bars, not trolleys, cash payments always acceptable, and staff who fail to warm up hot water urns before train departure be named and shamed on Twitter. No one, be they toddler, teenager or pensioner must ever watch or listen to a device on a train or bus without headphones and there must be no audible volume.
Infrastructure
I insist that HS2 stop ripping out ancient hedgerows, publish prospective ticket prices and buck up and get the damn thing finished. I demand good Wi-Fi or 5G across the rail network so I can look up stuff on Google and not huff and puff so loudly that I disturb those sitting next to me. I call for enough Gs, however many are needed, so I can make phone calls while driving between Wellington and Wiveliscombe.
Food, drink and shopping
Every supermarket granted out-of-town planning permission must fund an independent bakery within the town and then subsidise the cost of sourdough. Manufacturers of cider can only label it as cider if it is made from 100 per cent apples. If their so-called cider is made from rehydrated and fermented imported syrups, then so shall it be labelled. No more gin brands, enough is enough. Dinner party hosts are required to serve dinner by 8.30pm, not at 9pm or later, after which time one has eaten loads of crisps, feels sick and just wants to go home.
TV
I require ITV1 to bring back Bullseye on a Sunday evening, that the Advertising Standards Authority limits the number of Cinch adverts fronted by Rylan Clark across the evening schedule (I also call on Ofcom to insist he present no more than one radio show, travel programme with Judge Rinder or make one daytime TV appearance in any given week). Broadcasters must flag whether shows are repeats, not just that some shows are new, thereby helping viewers to avoid watching half of, say, Antiques Roadshow, before it dawns on them that they already watched that episode two years previously.
Kids
I demand that all smartphones be banned for under-16s. I call on Rachel Reeves to cancel plans to impose VAT on private schools and instead to incentivise parents to move children from state to public schools. I call on all teachers to stop asking “How was your Easter holiday?” when it wasn’t a holiday, indeed far from it, it being even harder work as the children weren’t at school during the day. I demand a ban on interactive whiteboards and a return to chalk, for school reports to be hand-written and dispatched by post, not posted on a portal or an app. The Government is to fund no-choice free school meals and make studying food and cooking part of the curriculum. Having passed their driving tests, all teenagers are required to conduct an apprenticeship by driving their parents to and from an unlimited number of dinner parties for 12 months.
Hospitality
All pubs are required to stock a decent chardonnay, nothing buttery and sticky from Chile, and a good pinot noir (Burgundy or New Zealand). Plus, decent wine glasses and pork scratchings (hairy ones, even better). All restaurants are required to have a telephone line for reservations, tasting menus are to be banned and waiting staff must never point at food when describing a dish placed on the table. Any wine put in a cooler must be at arm’s length of a diner. On checking into hotels, all luggage must accompany guests to the room, not arrive in the room 10 minutes later, so you have to sit on the bed wondering where the hell your luggage is.
Environment
I demand warm, sunny weather between now and October, with rainfall around 5am each morning so as to water the garden and keep the lawn nice.
Etiquette
No stranger, be they builder, policeman, publican or potential friend should address someone they don’t know as “mate” or “buddy”.
Hairdressing
Staff are required to not ask if customers have “been anywhere nice”. If they have and they wish to share that information, then they will do so. Haircuts to be otherwise conducted in silence, it’s the only time one can ever get some peace, so just shut the hell up.
Domestic appliances
No washing machine, tumble dryer, induction oven or fridge freezer must beep at any time, under any circumstance.
Architecture
All modern buildings must be approved by His Majesty The King and all hideous, grey blocks blighting our high streets must be ripped out and replaced by HM-approved structures.
Religion
All hymns sung during Church of England services must be familiar, with well-known tunes and verses (of which four is the maximum). Eucharist must always be sung (especially if the vicar can’t sing), sermons must be theology-based and aimed at adults, not children who aren’t listening, shaking hands when offering signs of peace after intercessional prayers is to be banned and if biscuits are provided after services they should include chocolate Hobnobs.
Press and publishing
All British media outlets are to desist from mentioning Prince Harry, be it positive or negative, but daily stories and imagery relating to Dua Lipa becomes mandatory.
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