For most politicians seeking the highest office in the land, being found guilty on 34 counts in a court of law less than six months before an election would be reasonably damaging. In the case of Donald Trump, however, I’m not so sure. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t cost him a single vote.
Put it like this. Does anyone seriously think that at this moment, across America’s key electoral battlegrounds, there are people holding the following conversation?
“Honey, have you seen the news? Donald Trump’s been convicted of paying hush money to cover up an affair he allegedly had with a busty blonde porn star.”
“Wow. Well, I’m certainly never voting for him again. After all, the reason I always supported him was that I thought he was a shining paragon of angelic virtue.”
“Me, too, honey. I just can’t believe it. I’d always taken Mr Trump to be a scrupulously upstanding gentleman with an unswerving commitment to maintaining the highest standards of public decency. If, in 2016, there had ever been even the slightest hint of evidence that he was anything less than a saint, I could never possibly have cast my vote in his favour.”
“Same here. Just imagine if, a mere month before the 2016 election, a recording had emerged of Mr Trump boasting that, because he was ‘a star’, he could ‘grab’ women in an unmentionable place whenever he felt like it. I would have said: ‘No way am I voting for that disreputable lout. I’m switching to his opponent.’”
“Or imagine if, during a televised rally, he’d performed an impression of a reporter, ridiculing the man’s disability. Or if he’d said that a female journalist who’d asked him awkward questions must have had ‘blood coming out of her... wherever’. Or if he’d mocked a famous US military veteran for getting captured during the Vietnam War, a conflict which Mr Trump himself ducked out of. Anything like that would have instantly scuppered his presidential campaign, which, as everyone knows, was based on emphasising his spotless personal morality.”
“It was the very core of Mr Trump’s electoral appeal. Yet now we find that, all along, he may just possibly have been something of a vulgar, unscrupulous rogue. All I can say is: this changes everything.”
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells
What a pity about Iain Dale. A few days ago, the former LBC radio host applied to be the Tories’ election candidate for the Kent constituency in which he lives, Tunbridge Wells – only for reporters to reveal that, in 2022, he said he’d “never liked the place”, and “would happily live somewhere else”. As a result, Mr Dale has now withdrawn from the race. His past comments, he said, would have been constantly used against him by his political opponents.
No doubt they would. But surely there was a straightforward solution to his plight. At every hustings of the campaign, Mr Dale could simply have stood up and roared: “Indeed I did say that I’ve ‘never liked’ Tunbridge Wells. That’s precisely why I want to be its MP – so that I can make it a better place! Instead of just sitting on my backside and moaning about everything that’s wrong with this town, I’ve decided to do something about it! I said that Tunbridge Wells had ‘a massive drug problem’ – so I’m going to clean it up! I said that some parts are ‘very deprived’ – so I’m going to help lift them out of poverty!
“If anything, therefore, my vocal dissatisfaction with Tunbridge Wells actually makes me the perfect man to be its MP! Who would you rather choose: someone who thinks the area is already unimprovable, and so would sit around doing nothing for five years? Or someone like me, who is honest about the area’s problems, and is determined to solve them?”
Obviously such a response would have been slippery, specious and self-serving, a shameless attempt to use spin to disguise a damaging gaffe. But that makes it all the better. Because it would have shown that he was ideally suited to Commons debate.
In any case, his past comments would surely have won favour in the constituency, because they suggest that Mr Dale embodies the true spirit of Tunbridge Wells. Since time immemorial, the people of the town have been famed for voicing their disgust at the world around them. Indeed, at this very moment they are doubtless writing to newspapers in their droves to share their views on Mr Dale’s withdrawal.
“Dear Sir, I have always been nauseated by the spectacle of sycophantic political candidates trying to suck up to voters by gushing witlessly about how much they ‘love’ their constituency. At last, one man dared to tell it like it is – yet we have been deprived of the opportunity to vote for him. Now I’m even more disgusted than ever.”
The absolute Pitts
The 18-year-old daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – who broke up in 2016 – has made a legal request to drop her father’s surname. In Hollywood, excitable showbiz commentators have chosen to interpret this as yet another skirmish in the bitter divorce battle between the young woman’s parents.
Well, maybe. Or perhaps she’s just realised that “Shiloh Pitt” is a deeply unfortunate spoonerism.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday
Disclaimer: The copyright of this article belongs to the original author. Reposting this article is solely for the purpose of information dissemination and does not constitute any investment advice. If there is any infringement, please contact us immediately. We will make corrections or deletions as necessary. Thank you.
