In recent years, the unique psychology of the eldest daughter has taken off as a topic of discussion—and now, a theory shared on TikTok about it has gone viral.
Stella (@stellascholaja) revealed what is believed to be the origins of "eldest daughter syndrome," a pop psychological condition referring to the lifelong pressure put on the firstborn female in a family. In her video, Stella said that fathers raise them as if they were firstborn sons, causing eldest daughters to adopt masculine traits and learn to be "head of the family."
She added that after hearing this explanation, everything made "a lot of sense." People in the comments echoed this as well. "No wonder why my dad tells me to 'man up' whenever I used to cry or show weakness," one person wrote.
"I saw a quote that said, 'the eldest daughters are some of the toughest men you'll ever meet,' things started to make sense ever since," another said.
The video has been viewed 5.9 million times and received over 940,000 likes on TikTok. Newsweek asked clinical psychologist Patty Johnson if there is any merit in the theory.
Johnson said that Stella and her commenters are not really off base.
"In both my clinical and personal experience, eldest daughters are often treated as the eldest son," she said. "The eldest daughter often carries the responsibility of being the 'fixer.' not only of things and circumstances but of emotions."
Because of the expectation to "fix" things, Johnson said the eldest daughter must develop a thick skin and good sense of composure in times of crisis. The tough exterior needed for her responsibilities, she said, sends a message that she does not need reciprocal care.
"An eldest daughter suppresses her show of emotions, similarly to a male, because these emotions are ignored or ridiculed over time," she said. "She may become anxious or depressed and ill-prepared to cope with stressors in healthy ways, which can then impact other relationships."
Johnson spoke from her own childhood experience as an example, saying if she wasn't moving the lawn, she was shoveling snow. But she was still, on Sunday mornings, expected to look "pretty" and feminine. The duality of her responsibilities, and the duty of care she felt as an eldest daughter, continued into adulthood.
"In adulthood, my siblings and I have noticed that although my parents call and check on them, they often only call me because they are in need of my help," Johnson said. "This dynamic that caused me to feel needed in childhood became the very thing that caused me to attend to my partner's needs and prevented me from expressing my needs with my partner."
As Stella and others online point out, the burden of eldest daughterhood is not for the fainthearted—and the hardest part of it all is that they must perform their tasks with a smile.
"The expectation is that we do it all and do it well," Johnson said. "We are to be strong and also be feminine and beautiful. The result is a woman who has had unmet needs for nurturing, sometimes deep into adult life and in relationships."
Newsweek reached out to @stellascholaja for comment via TikTok.
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